John the Toilet Demon never actually wanted to be a jerk. While other demon spawn were kicking fireballs around the playground, John sat quietly in the corner reading a book. He never really fit in well with the others.
During parent conferences his teachers expressed concern. John was far behind the other spawn. He was failing elementary pitchfork handling technique! What respectable demon couldn’t torture lost souls with a proper pitchfork?
Sadly nobody was able to get through to him. When John hit adolescence he found, somewhere in the depths of Hell, an old Nintendo Entertainment System and a copy of Super Mario Bros. John was immediately entranced. Immediately he knew what he wanted with his life.
Forget being an eternal torturer of lost souls. He wanted to be a flipping plumber.
…And so began John’s education. As he grew older he spent his days halfheartedly working his pain and torment internship. In the evenings he rushed home and watched plumbing videos on YouTube.
He learned all the tricks of the trade…
How to angle the pipes just right to achieve the proper amount of flow.
How to properly seal joins so water doesn’t leak and bubble up through the long-suffering homeowner’s floor.
How to pick out the perfect pair of pants to show the maximum amount of butt crack when you bend over.
Eventually John was no longer satisfied watching plumbers do it on the internet. He wanted to do it himself with some real pipes!
So, John snuck out of Hell and ascended to the human world. His eyes burned white hot as he saw what he had longed for all his life. A real house with real plumbing. This was his chance! Immediately he inhabited the home’s plumbing system and explored it with all the ecstasy of a puppy who’s just discovered daddy’s expensive pair of brand-new Nike’s…
Satan, unfortunately, does enjoy being a jerk. When he discovered what John had done, he trapped him in the home’s plumbing for the remainder of eternity.
John is now stuck looking at assholes all day and taking everyone’s crap. He’d actually be okay with this given that he’s surprisingly chill for a demon…
It’s just that his attempts at communicating with the humans have been tragically unsuccessful. The demonic tongue tends to inspire pure terror. Even if you’re just trying to say that the kitchen faucet is leaking more than you realize and should really be looked at, it just causes lots of wailing and screaming.
…And so John sits, lonely and forgotten. All he really wants is to be the world’s best plumber and find a Princess Peach of his own. Maybe knock out a few pirhanna plants for good measure.
In recent years John has given up trying to communicate… Wailing only one phrase in agony over and over again to any who would listen.
He screams…
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