Gamer Ooze side effects include uncontrollable flatulence, delusions of grandeur, out of body experiences, and an acute loss of sexual desirability. Many gamers experience excessive butt growth, increase in body stank, Dorito dust stains, and a substantial loss of social skills.
Many individuals may experience glowing poop turds and blue urine. If you experience an erection for more than four hours after drinking Gamer Ooze please contact your doctor. In some cases Gamer Ooze has proven effective at growing hair in the nose, arm pit, and eyebrow regions of the body. Sadly, no correlation between hair growth on the scalp has been made.
For individuals going through puberty, Gamer Ooze frequently increases irritability and agitation. Individuals may engage in loud rants about fornicating with other gamer’s mothers. Be assured that the likelihood of such fornication is in fact, quite low. In the event fornication does happen, Gamer Ooze accepts no responsibility. In all likelihood said fornication is the result of the two gallons of Axe Deodorant Body Spray the individual was wearing.
Most individuals will experience some degree of light sensitivity after consuming Gamer Ooze. This is not a cause for concern. Continue gaming as planned in a darkened room with a bag of Doritos on hand. Try to not imagine what your non-gaming friends are doing right now… Going to parties, drinking beer, getting laid… You don’t need any of that. You have Gamer Ooze and… The Game man… It’s in the game…
In the event that more than 37 cans of Gamer Ooze are consumed in a 24 hour period, please contact poison control immediately. You will likely require hospitalization to prevent the effects of “The Transition”. While most individuals find “The Transition” to be intensely painful, a small subset of the population will find it to be pleasurable and a transcendental experience. There’s no way to know if this is you unless you try it, which we don’t actually recommend doing. If you do somehow survive “The Transition” you will officially become a member of “The Gooze Club”… The primary benefits are a spiffy membership card and being allowed to refer to Gamer Ooze as “Gooze”.
Other standard side effects include mouth blisters, spontaneous combustion, nausea, diarrhea, bruising, yellow skin, blindness, hives, indigestion, genital itching, anxiety, low sperm count, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, delirium, intense thirst, increased urination, difficult urination, depression about the increased amount of difficult urination, gambling addiction, blood clots, and Gynophobia.
Many individuals experience a relatively specific hallucination. It begins with the sensation of floating. Slowly you float upwards to the sky. First you are amongst the clouds, then you become the clouds. You are one with the sky and the sky is one with you. Then, the clouds are no more and you are standing before two identical doors. In this scenario always, always take the left door. We don’t actually know what’s behind the right door. Nobody has recovered enough to tell us. Regardless, after going through the left door you will be confronted with the abyss of space. Stare at it and let it stare back at you. Contemplate your existence as you experience your inner self expand past the limits of your body.
Soon the abyss of space will fade away and you’ll find yourself standing atop a mountain. An old man sitting beside a warm fire awaits you. You look into his eyes and realize that he has the answer to every question you’ve ever wanted to know… Was the mechanical pony really broken when you were eight? Or did your dad say the fat kids broke it because he didn’t want to dig a quarter out of his pocker? Who really did frame Roger Rabbit? I mean… It’s all connected man… Everything… You, the universe, the fat kids… They’re all connected.
You look into the old man’s eyes and a million questions spring to your lips. You contemplate what to ask. Finally you settle for asking “What wisdom do you have for me, oh wise one?”
He looks back at you and simply says…
“Like and subscribe y’all… Like and subscribe…”